In amongst the six packs, bikers and fish and chip shops (spanning about 1000 yards) you will also find a rather large contingent of pretty women with sunglasses which are too big for their head you know the type – Posh Spice and the wag conglomerate). So with this mash up of people all walking/riding amongst each other we made our way to one of the many footpaths leading down to the white sand and it was my decision to stop and apply some lotion as I could already feel the burn. Needless to say John and Scotty Dogg thought it was all too public and might seem a little too pretentious and a bit unorthodox for three questionable males to lube each other up to the untrained eye in the middle of the walkway…I however, don’t really give a sh*t and said ‘Come on guys just get that grease on my back and let’s get on with the show’. Unconvinced, Scotty still applied a generous amount of man lube to my back with his shaky hands nervously trying to liberate his heterosexual status…Just to piss him off I could have pretended to enjoy it and wear pink Speedos although there is a time and a place for that (i.e. I wouldn’t have stood out too much in amongst the southern European ‘Speedo-clad’ crew who inhabited a section of the beach just beneath us. So he got off lightly this time around and his alpha male status was still in tact!
We ambled down to the beach looking for the perfect spot to set down our towels but it was only until we realised that half of the beach was covered in seaweed that it was hard to mark our territory. We hung a right and found a suitable spot to place ourselves about 200 yards up, surrounded by a selection of nationalities and playboys. I pulled out my bright orange silfkskirt/dress/thong/towel thing which I bought in Bangkok and laid it down ready for action to take on some sun…Now we all knew that Scotty had some wine in his bag which he had been given from his work at the Queens Tavern (one bottle of rose and a bottle of red) so we waited patiently until he blurted out ‘Right, I need to get some alcohol in me cos beaches are f**king boring without it’. What a line from the boy who loves to loaf about and not have to work hahaha (You would have thought that lying on the beach doing bugger all would be his idea of heaven-guess again!).
There was some general conversation flowing in the early stages of the wine intake (which was roasting due to a lack of cooler facilities) and some of the topics of conversation included…
* Why do girls walk in pairs across the beach front..a lot?
*Scotty? Yes!?…..Put your boob away mate you’re scaring the kids!
*I can’t believe I have to work tomorrow…This is woeful behaviour
*How do you think the current economical crisis in the UK is affecting inner Ipswich (Joking)
and……..Seriously mate cover that boob as I’m starting to get scared too!!haha
So when you have three guys on a beach with two bottles of warm wine what do you do next? Of course you start admiring peoples poorly executed tans (twat tans). We found at least twenty badly timed tanning sessions during our day and the laughs that came with these sights were massive. We have all been there…thinking you can take on the sun at any time of the year on any given day is a myth of epic proportions so let me tell you…’you cannot’. Get that grease on, let the good times roll and be the envy of your friends with a cracking even tan (alternatively reach for the St Tropez and go out three times a year to equally impress your mates!).
We also noticed an old boy giving it his all running along the coastline with his cap on looking more than ‘shit hot’…Until out of nowhere some abusive wind came along and completely mugged him off. He had to travel backwards a good 15 yards ,in front of a sea of people to collect the one item of clothing which was holding his image together! We had a cheap laugh (which was well out of earshot, we aren’t that cruel) and sadly he couldn’t handle the shame of this unfortunate event and proceeded to walk at a steady pace down the coastline…So maybe next time he won’t wear a cap, who knows 🙂
Scotty’s irritability was looming with his inability to stay in one spot for more than 5 minutes so we wandered back up to the road and hunted down some more booze (obviously we drank the painfully warm wine by this point). Hunger was on the horizon and with Perth prices we couldn’t handle the $18 for fish and chips so we dragged our broke ass bodies around the corner to the supermarket! this place is riddled with traveler friendly deals well catered for the person who has also had a drink or four. What did I go for? Tuna and mayonnaise in a can, salmon and mayonnaise in a can, a bag of chilli crisps, 8 reduced wholewheat muffins, a pack of designer garlic and sun dried tomatoes (a treat and well out of budget at $5 but I love those badboys) and a massive craving for a whole chicken! I have basically just fit the bill for a classic cheap arsed traveler with booze vision as aforementioned..What a dick!
Scotty Dogg went down the route I should have gone down and barely handed any money over to the friendly lady at the checkout whereas I gave off $17…could have got those fish and chips (what a false economy preaching idiot I am). Undoubtedly Scotty had food envy which he will flatly deny but I know he was itching for a go on the salmon and muffin power lunch :). I ate my crisps (having massive ‘munchies’ syndrome) on the walk down to the beach again but having alcohol in me i don’t think they even touched the sides. This is where Scotty and I differ. He will hoard his food like a good squirrel in hibernation whereas I will take out anything which is placed in front of my gluttonous eyes. I won the battle this time around as the greedy squirrel as i had him looking gaunt and hungry later on in the day eyeing up the remains of my $17 splurge…WIN.
We found ourselves back down on the beach in a different spot about 500 yards down from where we initially sat. Even in such a short distance there was a massive shift in the type and age of people who eloped to this section. I’m pretty sure we were in the family and ‘first date’ section where we all felt like fossils struggling to keep a lid on our true ages. BAD call…However, it turned out to be a great spot for the sunset which came after two hours of sitting in this child friendly section and I can honestly say it was a beautiful sight (The photos are up in the ‘Photo’ section under ‘Perth’).
Oh yeah I mentioned in the first title of this overly extended blog post that we had ciders. We did, and purchased 6 bottles of Strongbow each – dry/sweet/original. They were epic and left us feeling great as we overlooked the sunset which addressed us on Cottesloe beach that day! The rest of the evening was pretty tame although John did find a cowboy hat on the train which obviously we all had a go on! Still got it actually and I will definitely wear it out on the Friday night before we leave for Vietnam. Right so that’s my rant over, if you got this far well done, that means I’m not a completely boring git! I’m halfway through my bucket list now and I’ll get that cheeky post up as soon as I finish. Bye for now 🙂